Another day gone by. Yet it is like time stands still.
The court date is pushed back again. It is not until March 12th. On one hand it is a relief because I am terrified of both court itself and the possible outcome. But, more, it is so frustrating. I don’t understand why they are doing this to me. They know how things are and they know I need to get out of this house. Things in this state have to change. And I hope someday I have the resources and am strong enough to help that to happen. After I left my attorney’s office this afternoon I felt overwhelmed and alone. I felt the world on my shoulders.
But then I called my Mom. And she made me laugh and helped me to remember that somehow what is right will prevail. And I came home and my sweet boys wanted to cuddle. And then I brought Caleb to the dentist for some dental work where he did a fantastic job! And then a friend and her son came over for dinner. And then I read my devotional…
… “I am training you to practice Peace that overpowers darkness.” Wow!
I have so much to be thankful for. I am not writing that as empty words, to just try to offset negative feelings. My heart is filled with such love for God, my family, my friends, and life. At times my heart does get weighed down and it is as if I am wearing blinders that can only see the bad. But for so long I wore blinders that only let me see the good. I know I am on the road to balancing it all out.
With everything going on, and with so much left to be unknown I have been so scared and it is so easy to fall into that trap of worry. “What if?”
Today I decided that everyday I am going to push myself to do something I normally wouldn’t do. Just something little.
This morning my best friend invited us to a play place a few towns over. By the time we were ready to leave it was snowing heavily and the roads looked kind of bad. I am scared of driving in snow, usually at the first sign of snow I rush home before the roads can get bad, and so I thought of cancelling. Then things started getting tense in the house. I decided to brave the snow.
And would you know that I actually enjoyed driving in the snow? I put some good music on and the boys and I sang as I drove. We had a great time out with friends and we had a great day.
It is funny how small decisions can impacts our days so much. It is funny how fear can hold us back so much and make us miss out on things. The funny thing is that fear tricks us… We think that we are making the right (safe) decision while really we end up missing out on so much.
It can be confusing… if people share details of their life people tend to view that as airing their dirty laundry. Yet, if they don’t share much they are told they are being vague or hiding things. For months I have been trying to figure out what the in between is. How much is okay to share? When is it crossing the line? I have come up with no answers. What I do know is that at this point in my life I just want to be real. I don’t want to be dramatic and I don’t want to be vague. I just want to be who I am, I don’t want to feel like I have secrets anymore.
So this is my place to be me. Where I will share my journey through motherhood, divorce, and learning what real love is. 🙂