I miss the days when I would lay my head on my pillow at the end of the day and feel peace.  Feel at home.  When I knew that tomorrow I would be fortunate enough to wake up next to the man I loved.  And I knew that we would all spend our coming days in the home we built together.  I mean I did stress back then.  Why can’t I ever get the house clean?  What if Noah’s Asthma flares up?  What if Caleb doesn’t participate in preschool again tomorrow?  What if Noah has an allergic reaction?  What if I can’t get everything done for the birthday party?  And those were real worries.  But they were different kind of worries.  Because back then everything was okay, and even if my worries came to life I could probably figure out how to fix it..   Now, I try not to think too much or worry because things aren’t okay and I can’t figure out how to fix it.  Will the judge believe me?  Will I lose my children?  Where will we live?  Do I have what it takes to be a single mother?  What if I get sick again?  What if I can’t find a job?

So I try so very hard to stay positive.  Because if I let myself worry it would just overcome me.  Now, I really just don’t have the luxury of letting myself worry.  Most of the time it is pretty easy for me to be happy and peaceful, especially when I am with my boys.  But sometimes, it can be such a struggle.  Our Special Masters Pretrial is in a little more than two weeks and everyday I find myself less able to not feel panicked.  This is it. This is our last chance before a trial.  And it doesn’t seem like he cares.  It’s all a game to him.  The custody agreement was a joke I guess.  Something else to string my foolish heart along.  I can’t afford an attorney for a trial and I have no idea how to represent myself.  Especially against somebody who hates me so much and wants to take so much from me.

Tonight I feel very discouraged.  I have applied to so many jobs and most send me a rejection letter before I even get an interview.  I don’t know where I will work or where we will live and I just feel like such a failure.  I feel like the court will judge me because of it.  I feel like I haven’t been the friend that my friends need.  I feel like I am never enough no matter how hard I try.  But I force myself to remember that feelings are like clouds, and they will pass and give way to sunshine.

And now when I lay my head on my pillow at the end of the day I feel alone and like there is nothing left.  But, I know that in the morning I will be awoken to Noah’s slobbery good morning kisses and Caleb’s loving crafts.  And I know that God will give me the strength and motivation to get through this.  One day at a time.  And sometimes, one moment at a time.

I have two healthy kids.  The rest can be figured out.  Somehow.

One thought on “Somehow

  1. Love you! You are a great friend and you need to focus on what you feel like you need to and all of your true friends understand that. You ARE good enough. You are more than good enough.


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