We went for our third mediation meeting today.
I am so mad at myself. I feel so stupid for getting my hopes up that we could come to a custody agreement.
As soon as we sat down he informed the mediator and I of the plan he wanted. And he was back to the plan where I move out of the house, the kids stay, and I come to visit the kids at his house every other weekend. And stupid me, I was shocked and heartbroken. And it was clear that he wouldn’t agree to anything reasonable. The mediator explained to us again that if we can’t reach an agreement that things are going to get very bad, for us and the kids. I have never felt so helpless in my life. I started sobbing, saying I want to agree and that I am trying so hard to, but I have to do what is best for the kids. And that only fueled his argument more. And now he is saying that if the kids spend any time at my place that I cannot move out of town (my plan is to move back to the valley to be near family). He angrily asked the mediator why I have any right to move out of town or why I have rights to the kids.
I want to be a person too. I want to be able to make decisions for myself and my children. But I don’t want to have to battle for it. It would be easier to give in. But, I want to do what is best for the boys. So I’ll cry through the meetings, and I’ll throw up in the bathroom when they’re done, and I’ll continue to put my own needs and wants on the backburner. But I refuse to put the boys’ needs on the backburner.
I try to picture the future. I know this is a turning point in my life. This is either going to make me or break me. I have to believe that God will give me the strength to do what I need to do. I have to believe that someday things are going to be so different. And somehow, I have to make them different.