We had our screening with family relations at court today. They had us sit down next to each other at the counselor’s desk. And she began reading questions off of a piece of paper. He began answering first. He told them things that aren’t true, and I wish that by now I could let that not bother me. But it does. He is the one who knows how much I love my children, how much I have loved him, how can you ignore that and make up lies just to hurt me? How could you do that to anyone, nevermind the person that has dedicated her life to you? He told them that I can’t control my emotions and the boys are not safe with me. He told them that I drive dangerously and put them in danger. He told them that I am physically abusive to him and that is why he is divorcing me. He told them that I have trained the children to hate him since he filed for divorce. He told them that the boys attack him. Each time I would tell them that isn’t true. And every time I would answer a question he would make up an answer to make me sound worse. I felt so helpless. He was telling her that I make up lies so I can look good in the divorce, which is what he also has told the police. I don’t know how he does it but he can make the craziest things sound so logical and true. And then the case worker asked me if this was all new since the divorce was filed. And I started to answer but he interrupted me and I later realized I never got to finish my answer. She started asking me for examples of disagreements. I started to give her recent examples of things that have happened. Each time he told her how I am exaggerating and I have been abusing him. And I was surprised at how easy it was for the words to come out of my mouth but all of a sudden I was telling her about how every time I have called the police they take his side. About how a few weeks ago before I called the police he told me if I did that he would make sure the kids were taken away from me forever. About the affairs. About how I am trying my best to live peacefully with him because I just want custody of my kids and I need to make sure they are safe. And then she asked us if we had any concerns about mental illness. And it took courage, but I said yes, that I wasn’t sure if he was dishonest or delusional. And he immediately was telling her that I cannot control my emotions and that I go into violent rages. It is just my word against his. And my whole life depends on what he says.
Our family relations counselor explained to us that a decision will be made soon about the intervention we need. And that it is possible that the outcome will be a custody study which will end with a decision by a judge who doesn’t know us at all. We will be getting a letter soon with their decision.
The fact that he seems to want this to go to trial terrifies me. He has a legal plan through work so his attorney is fully covered. I, however, will not be able to afford an attorney for trial. And there is no legal help in CT for this kind of thing.
I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to worry about every single breath I take being held against me. I don’t want to worry about everything I do being misconstrued into some sick fantasy. I don’t want to be scared anymore. I just want to enjoy my boys’ childhood with them. I want to laugh with them and not be worrying in the back of my mind if we will be laughing together in a year. I want to know we have a place to live. I want to be safe. I want to be heard. I want to be a person too. I want to have a voice. I want to be able to do things, I want to work. I want to go to school. I don’t know how I can do these things.
I have been far from perfect. I should have tried harder to lose weight. I should have kept the house cleaner. I should have made his lunches for work. I have made mistakes, but I don’t try to hurt people. I know he has to know that somewhere in that heart of his. A long time ago we had an awful fight and I said I wanted a divorce. I immediately told him I was sorry and said I didn’t mean it. But he has always remembered that and he says I am the one who wanted this. Maybe if I never said that things would be different. Maybe if I was someone else things would be different. But I have tried so hard to be someone else and all I can be is me. And now all I want to be is me and I am realizing I don’t even know who that is anymore.
My head hurts and my heart hurts. When I left that courthouse today I felt dead inside and I felt like I had no hope at all. That is a scary feeling. My chest hurt so much it felt like I had gargled acid. And I don’t know if I should post this blog. I have such a need to have a voice, but am I just going to make things worse? There is so much I can’t say now, but I dream that someday I will tell my whole story. I dream that someday I will look at these posts and be amazed at how far I have come.
We were walking out of court and he asked me if I need cash for the parking garage, as if we were buddies. At first I was so confused because usually he gets so mad if I ask for cash. I was tempted to take the bait and feel like he loved me again. But now I recognize his patterns. I just shook my head and kept walking. And it breaks my heart but he is no longer my buddy or my husband. I have no idea who he is. I want so badly to believe that part of him still sees the truth and still loves me. But apparently part of him isn’t enough. I walked out of the courthouse alone and realized nothing was ever going to be the same.
God, I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare.