My emotions have been all over the place this week. I have thought about deleting this blog many times over the past several days. That is what I would usually do. I am scared of people judging me. The # of views far outweigh the # of comments or likes. So, a silly part of my mind starts telling me people must be reading it and secretly judging me. And I start to feel like I have to delete it right away. But then I remember my Gram. And how she had such a story to share, but she never shared it. And now she is gone. I think of all of the people I know who hide. Who are afraid to share themselves or their lives with even their friends. And I wonder why can’t we just be ourselves? What are we so afraid of? So, I am trying to be brave and I am going to leave this up. I don’t want to be afraid of being myself anymore. And I will continue to share my soul. And more than likely I will continue to be judged. But it’s worth it.
Tomorrow we have our family relations screening at court. I am slightly hopeful but mostly I feel sick with worry about it. They will talk with us and determine the amount of intervention we need. For example, if we go in and he agrees to joint custody with me as the primary parent they will not get very involved, if at all. However, if he does what he usually does and says I am awful and lies about things and demands custody, then I am told this is all going to turn into an absolute nightmare.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am just being selfish and I should just surrender. Just walk away and let him have whatever he wants. That way the kids won’t have to be put in the middle of this battle, and I won’t either. But I know for sure the best thing is for them to be with me. I know they need to be with me.
When he has had his days with the kids this past week I found myself turning into a person I do not like to be. I felt absolutely miserable. I hated looking at my Facebook and seeing all of the pictures of families, reading about how wonderful people’s husbands are, and how they don’t know how they could survive without them. And honestly I was surprised by my own reaction because normally I love seeing all of these things and I love that people share them. I guess that is what is called a pity party? Then the pain I was feeling led me to think of mothers who have lost their children, like my Gram who lost her four year old daughter, or the parents of Sandy Hook, and many more who live daily with every parent’s worst fear. They have to live in a world everyday that continues to spin without their children. I can’t imagine how they do it. And I think of Race4Chase, the triathlon my son is involved in. Chase was killed at Sandy Hook and his mother set up a wonderful camp so children could have opportunities to do things her own son loved to do. And I think of her tears as she got up to speak at the triathlon my son participated in this Summer, and I can’t even begin to imagine her pain, yet she was there with all of the families and encouraging them. Wow. And I am just amazed and humbled at her strength, and the strength of those like her. And I am embarrassed of the self pity I was feeling.
It sure feels like everything is falling apart and the future looks so scary. And, maybe I have a few less days with my kids each week, and maybe it feels like my whole life is torn apart. But I still get to share life with my sons and hug them and kiss their boo boos away. And a lot of mothers can only dream of that. I have to cherish our time together instead of dreading our time apart. I hope I can get better at the latter.